Infertility Awareness Week

When I first got married I had everything planned out.  It was July 2007 I was 21 and a few days away from getting married. We wanted kids right away.  We wanted them back to back and by 25-26 I wanted to be done. I wanted 4 kids, 5 was ok too.. It was a perfect plan! 3 months into my marriage a positive test was in my hand. I texted,called and celebrated within minutes of looking at the test results. I was excited!!!!!!! We were excited. 9 months later in June 2008 our sweet girl was born healthy, strong and gorgeous. When my little one turned 3 months I took another pregnancy test because  we were on a mission and our plan was working! I was pregnant again!! yay! I squealed with excitement and whispered the news to my sweet baby. I told my husband and again we were happy! I told no one my sweet secret. I wanted to wait this time. A week later I was cuddling my baby and I felt so much pain in my stomach I got up and realized it was not good. I rushed to the Doctor and my blood results were positive but everyday the HCG count was lower.. I was so sad but it was ok I was going to be fine. We kept trying and nothing.  A year later  I was diagnosed with PCOS. I was mad and afraid that I wouldn't be able to have another baby. We still decided to continue to try and another miscarriage happened. Again I picked myself up and I tried again! no such luck. We finally went on medication. 3 rounds later August 2011 I gave birth to a Handsome baby boy.  When he was 7 months I took another test. 2 lines. Positive!! I was in shock so the next day I took another one. 2 lines! My husband was happy and I just couldn't believe it so I took another test. The 2nd line was faint. 2 days later and another test..no line. Not pregnant and again we continued to try. 2015 nothing. My plan didn't work. I'm 28 and have 2. If things would have worked out my plan would have been a success. I cry sometimes. I get angry and at times I'm just over it. What I have learned in this whole journey is that I can't focus on my problem and I can't label myself infertile. I want to think of it as My Heavenly Father watching out for me and waiting for the right moment for me and my family. It still isn't the right time. I cannot plan my life out and expect it to run smoothly. I cannot control certain changes in my life.  I cannot live my life thinking and feeling that pain of not being able to have a baby or looking at someone else's life and wish it were me.  I have done that too.  Its not good for the soul. Satan likes to see us vulnerable, weak and unhappy.  He can really get in our heads.  There has been moments where I allowed him to win and I believed it. I believed I could not have kids because I was not a good mom. I was not that patient ,soft spoken mom.  At night when I would lay down after having  a bad day with my kids, I would tell myself. 'This is why you can't have more because you are a horrible mom..You can't be patient with the ones you have". .... I will admit I am not as patient as I should be but Satan is a jerk. He is a deceitful person. He preys on me while I pray to the Lord. He tries to use my weakness and trials to make me question a lot of things. I just have to have faith and hope that things will some day be right for us. The best thing I can do is stop trying to plan every aspect of my life  because he knows what is best for me and my family. I need to learn to Enjoy my life. Enjoy the 2 little ones that I do have and love on them and be grateful for them in my life. It is important to stay positive and have hope that things will work out in the end. If I don't get my 5 kids here in this life then I know they will be waiting for me above! The last 8 years have definitely not gone as planned and that is the beauty of it all. Trusting in the lords timing and the bumps in the road. I love my family and I love what has come to be of my life.